I'm so stressed out and I hardly know why...

I was late to work today and hve been a few minutes late all week but today it was like an hour and fifteen minutes. I just didn't wake up this morning... I don't know why.

School is stressful but mostly it's worry i think... I'm all caught up with my classes and assignments and my grades are good... I have a mid term due tonight and I don't think I'll have too awful much trouble with it really... Then on Sunday my rough draft research paper is due... I need some help figuring out how to cite sources within an essay but again it's not really anything to frak out about, is it?

I'm very nervous about this final year of HIM courses... I'm afraid I'll screw something up and not graduate... there's also this thing we have to do twice throughout the course where we spend a 40-hour work week volunteering in the field we're studying... so in a HIM department at a doctor's office or hospital. The school sets us up with these but I haven't done mine yet. I took the course oer three years, two of which are done... most people do two years and do this volunteer thing once per term. Now I'll have to do two in one term - if that's even possible. Though it does seem to me the counselors or whoever are in charge of all that should've been contacting me about doing it by now. Anyways... I'm worried about that. I'm worried about the heavy classload I'm going to have this last year because I am taking one class over again and one class was added to the schedule last year only I didn't know about it until that term was over so I'm having to do that class this year too... I guess it won't be so bad but I always struggle with all the HIM courses, especially the non-coding courses. Those were hard but at least I was interested in it. All the other ones are boring shit about how HIM departments are run, the history of the healthcare industry, all the stupid HIPPA regulations and other regulations... it's pretty hard and very uninteresting to boot, which really makes it harder.

Man... today after I do that stupid mid term and put in an hour or so on my research paper, I'm getting fucking hammered. I want to see all my friends and get drunk... Need to blow off some steam. I can definitely understand why there is so much drinking at universities because community college is enough to put me in the bag...

Ugh... Okay I'd better get my dumb ass back to work. I feel kind of worthless right now. What can I do to make myself feel better? I have a feeling I'll feel less stressed after the mid-term is overwith. Even though I can't make sense of why it's stressing me out, I think it's one of the main causes at the moment.

OH! If you like chai, there's this drink you can buy... Walgreens makes it I guess and it's in a blue bottle... vanilla soy chai... it's so good. I've never seen bottled chai before, at least not that was this good. It's awesome. Okay slaince!

I am just so fucking... fucmed up. I am sick and depressed and stressed out to the fucking max. Everything is just too much. When is it going to stop?

Nora is a fucking office spy. She's trying to get everyone in trouble all the time yet she screws up and screws off more than anyone else times ten! I fuckign hate the cunt.

I'm not even sure if I passed my coding class. While taking the final, my internet kept screwing up and I ended up running out of time. I got all pissed but figured I wouldn't say anything because I'm always THAT student - the one who always has an excuse. I don't want to be like that... so then when I signed on a few days later to read an email I forgot to read, I found a couple emails from our instructor - one saying I didn't turn in a project. I know I did the project but she's right - I didn't turn it in... no record in my sent mail. And by the time I read her email, it was too late to do anything about it. Ialso learned that everyone had the same problem as me with the final and she reopened the test with extra time... grr.

I'm really sick and can't stop being sick all the time. I feel like I'm sick every other week... it really sucks and I am down to like 4 days of personal time left for the entire damn year... fuckin lame.

I hate working here now. I feel like I can't even sneeze without being reported anymore, this is ridiculous. Why is Bill so stupid? Why does he want to create this hostile, no-trust working environment? It only makes people stressed and sick and do worse at their jobs. It's bad for business.

Also I have been depressed. I guess it's all this other stuff, but I'm also afraid for my relationship with Gabe... We never spend any time alone together and when we do, we're just totally bored. It's like we can't even be around each other alone anymore and have a good time. It worries me a lot... I'm scared... and being depressed, stressed and sick only makes that worse.

I Thought my 3-day weekend, including a barbeque with friends and a night in Astoria would help with everything but it only made me more run down. I need a real rest and some good quality time with Gabe. I need to get my thoughts sorted out. I feel like that point is coming in the future, but I'm already almost halfway through spring break so when is it going to happen? Argh this is really gay. Maybe when I get over this cold I'll feel better automatically... I feel a huge change in my life and I don't know what it is. I don't know if I like it. I don't know what to do.

Oh man... busy busy busy. I've finally gotten my craftiness back, at least temporarily. I found this website: www.cutoutandkeep.net

It's got like almost 9,000 different craft projects you can do, including like homemade soap, shampoo, skin treatments, mineral make-up, etc.

So far, I have only made the marble magnets, but they're awesome. Next I'm going to make the candy-mold crayons for my neices and a friend at work's kid. That sounds like a lot of fun. After that, I will make polymer clay robot jewelry. I tweaked one of their ideas to make my own. Actually I just thought of a cute way to add a body to the head they had already designed. Anyways, sounds very fun.

School is over in a week! I am not even sure if I have a final exam in my coding class. There was no mid-term, and so far I have not heard a single word about a final exam. Hopefully there won't be one haha. If there isn't, all I have left is 3 quizzes and a final in my other class.

The week looks like this:

Monday-Wednesday: School & cleaning house
Wednesday: Heather's b-day and office party with delicious cake
Thursday: Cleaning with Gabe after work, then spending evening with Gabe
Friday: Day off from work & barbeque!!!

Hopefully I'll have time to be crafty in between all the school, work and cleaning that needs to be done!

I didn't get much sleep last night so I am sort of crabby today... Or, should I say, impatient? Yeah... at least Letha isn't here today and Bill didn't get here until after 2pm. Not only that, but I haven't even seen him all day since he did finally get here. Yay. I honestly believe our productivity is higher when Bill isn't in the office. Which is funny because he feels he needs to supervise us in order to get his money's worth out of us. He even put a sign on the back door saying "Don't even think about it!" In other words, don't even think about sneaking out the back door where I can't see you going on a break because I am going to treat you all like children... he's an asshole. But, like I said, I notice less talking and more willingness to work harder when he's out of the office. His very presence in the office makes people uneasy and pissy. When he's not here, we can at least pretend we have a nice boss... or something. I dunno. Fuck him, and his stupid beaner girlfriend. Seriously, I'm not racist but I hate that bitch and she has that fucking Mexican woman attitude. You know, the one... "You fuck with me and I'm going to make your life hell!" That kinda shit. Anyways, I don't feel like being in a shitty mood so I'm just going to stop ranting and move on with my life.

mood: creative

Gosh what a bunch of chaos...

School:
Pretty much failing a class, very slight chance of passing, and sudenly the teacher gives an assignment where we needed the workbook that supposedly bundled with our text book... I bought my book used, NO WORK BOOK INCLUDED. Nor did I know there was a work book until yesterday. I missed a test.... thinking we had the whole day, but it was actually due by noon or something. Bullshit. Anyway... I tried to get the class dropped, but they keep telling me the computer system won't allow any drops after November 14th or something. WTF. I paid for the class, so why can't I fucking drop it if I so choose? That makes me mad. Anyways, I requested my instructor drop me or give me a no-pass, and I'm just fucking done with that class. It's not very hard, except the tests, but it causes me so much stress. I figure, I already have to do one class over, so why not make it a healthy two? Fall term always sucks. I can't get into the swing.

Work:
Is fine, except we just found out that Rhonda's husband died this weekend which is shocking and extremely sad. They were happily married for over 40 years, plus Rhonda's daughter's wedding is/was in a couple weeks. I don't know if they will postpone it or what... they have a very large family and I'm really feeling bad for them all right now. At least they have each other, and they belong to a really nice church group too so that will probably help them... I'm Rhonda's secret santa this year, and I'm not really sure what to do with the presents I got her...

Social:
Kasey at last decided to grace me with a greeting last week and I chewed her ass out for being such a selfish whore when Eric died. She shot back with an accusation of me just hating her because I was so jealous she got Eric and I didn't. I explained to her that, yes, I had a crush on Eric for a long time but over time those feelings changed into more of a sister-brother thing, and that was quite a number of years before Kasey ever stepped into the picture. Besides, I'm the one who wanted Eric to go out with her. Well, me and Gabe. We thought she was nice and she liked the same music and stuff, so we kept teasing and bugging Eric and eventually they just kinda got together one night. Anyway, I sort of feel bad. I wish, instead of just bitching her out, I could have put it better. All I'm really mad at her for is being so selfish and acting like she was the most important person as far as Eric was concerned. It pisses me off that Eric's family had to fucking babysit her when they should have been taking care of themselves. It pissed me off that she had to call every single person she knew and tell them her boyfriend had just died, especially right in front of us all, as if we needed to hear it spoken aloud over and over again. Plus, one time when my dad had come over, Kasey was on her phone talking about it, going on and on about how "he was just in my arms last night" and all that stupid high school fantasy romance bullshit.. but we couldn't get away from her. We went inside, she went inside. We went downstairs, and she followed us. Up and down the stairs we went, her following us while pouring her heart out to someone on the phone, until finally I told her I couldn't stand it anymore and to stop following us. We didn't need to be reminded over and over of what had happened, not that we could forget. Ugh. She apparently didn't understand what I was trying to say at all, since all she said was "You know Eric and I were in love with each other and you're just jealous because he was with me and not you," blah blah blah. What the fuck ever, bitch. Ugh.

Home Life:
We have until the end of December to move out of our apartment, and we haven't really packed anything. We need to get down to business. I only have two weeks of school left... then a week with no school or anything. The next week is Christmas. I still have some shopping to do, too, though not all that much really. But man we brought so much shit to the apartment, I don't know how we're ever going to move it all home. It's ridiculous. Today, I'm going to have to take Olive to the vet, but when I get home, I'm going to do my weekly quiz, then start packing and getting rid of shit we don't need. Any food we don't want, I'll either toss or put in a canned food drive. A lot of stuff is simply going to have to go to Goodwill... we have too much crap. Speaking of Goodwill, I really need to make a donation run because the boxes and bags are really piling up, especially at the house.

Okay I'm going to go now. Bye.

I'm just getting tired of those people who think you should whisk your dog off to the vet every single time something seems a little strange. I personally don't have a lot of faith in most vets. I don't really think they know all that much. The only things my vets have ever told me were:
a. we have to put your pet to sleep, nothing can cure it
b. bring your pet in for more shots/exams

Because I went against our veterinarian's advice, Heidi lived 6 years longer than she would have if we had allowed them to put her to sleep when she was having that neck pain. But lo and behold, I said no fucking way, Heidi's neck improved, and she went the remaining 6 years of her life with no trouble, and died peacefully in her sleep.

They did fucking surgery to remove a tumor from my cat's head, missed a chunk, and it grew to about 5 times it's original size, exploded in his head, burst through his skin and made him brain dead. Meanwhile a hole the size of his ear was constantly leaking red puss from his head. They, of course, had to put him down when we took him to the vet.

I'm sorry but they cost so fucking much money and they have never helped me or my pets.

Hi people. Well things have been a little rough lately. I've been having a very difficult time getting along at work. Everything irritates me - people talking, phones ringing, radios playing, my boss, mistakes I catch that other people make over and over and over... My boss is just so stupid. Certain people will say, most businesses are run this way. The boss is the boss and he makes the decisions about things. Well that might be okay if my boss wasn't an incompetent moron. He makes stupid decisions without even thinking about them. The only thing on his mind is money, and working everything to fit his wants and needs. He's hiring his girlfriend at the company, for example. As most of you know, I lost my desk when I went part-time for six months for school. I was told this was because I was going part time and the full time employees, no matter how little space they require to do their job and how much I do require, get the permanent desks. Now that I've been full time for the whole summer so far and will be indefinitely (or as long as I can stand to stay with the company), I've heard nothing about him trying to find a way to set up an extra desk in the office for me so I don't have to sit at the shitty one by the door in the desk with only two drawers. I emailed him, I talked to the personnel supervisor... and got no response all this time, until Monday when I walked in and found that he had moved all the filing cabinets out of one room and put an extra desk there with a brand spankin new computer and everything. Guess who didn't get that desk. Me. Guess who did. His girlfriend. I've been there for two years, I specifically requested the spot when it came into existence, and he purposely ignored me because he's too fucking chicken shit to tell me what he had planned all along. I really hate him.

Anyways, sorry, this was not meant to be a rant episode. What I was getting at in the first place was, I'm just going to try to ignore all the things that bother me. It's hard though, cause when you ignore them and just try to work quietly by yourself, you get dragged into the office and told you have a bad attitude towards the boss and your co-workers. I just can't seem to win. But I haven't given up yet. As far as I know, Bill's g/f isn't going to be working there too very long. As I understand, she's basically going to be doing Crystal's job while she's on maternity leave. I sure hope so, anyway. All I can say is, he'd better give me that fucking desk when she leaves. Of course, I have a strong feeling he's going to give it to Jenny. She's his sister's son's wife, and his sister adores her and is also one of the business' owners... You may say I sound so cinical, and that I should be more optimistic and just wait to see what happens. I know that man better than to think he would ever attempt to give me what I want, what I practically beg for... I just know he's going to give that spot to Jenny and I'll then have the option of staying where I am by the door or going to Jenny's old desk. Did I mention I worked there for at least a year before Jenny started, and I fucking trained her? Yet I already know he's going to bump her up in front of me. He put Letha in my desk months and months ago and she still does plain old registration and almost nothing but that. It really makes me mad...

Sorry I just can't stop myself. It's not like anybody reads this anyway, so I guess it doesn't matter. Ugh... so I'm just TRYING very hard to be nice at work, listen to my iPod as much as possible to drown out the annoying sounds of the office and keep my nose to the grindstone until things turn around... well I still intend to keep to the grindstone after that, of course. It makes me mad... I work hard for that company. I don't skip work unless it's necessary, while most of the employees in there haven't worked a week straight for like 8 months. I don't spend a quarter of my day talking and surfing the internet. I know they really don't know that about me, and they might not know that the others waste all this time... but since I am so careful and do my best job every day, it does make me mad that I'm being treated like a third class citizen around there. I should've never went back to school. I'd still have my old desk and wouldn't really have anything to complain about.

It just makes me mad that for all these months I've been asking him to move another desk into the spot where I used to sit, and he finally does it, but not for me, for his dumb girlfriend. As soon as she comes into the picture, he gets right on it. And I say dumb girlfriend because she must be fucking stupid to be dating Bill.

I have the following lyric stuck in my head: "I've been through the desert on a horse with no name..." It's extremely irritating. But I don't feel like listening to music, so there's not a great chance of getting it OUT again. Oh well.

School is almost finished for the term - possibly for the whole summer, if I don't make it into the writing class I'm on a waiting list for. I don't care much, one way or another. Being so near the end of the term, and having most of my homework done, has given me great peace of mind. I've had time to work some on my book, to relax, and to do a little self-improvement. I'm sure most of you haven't noticed much of a change yet, but I hope you will over time. That is, I hope I can stick with it this time. Being in school makes me into a totally different person. I'm absent-minded, rude, stressed, irritable... all bad things. Stress really affects my personality and behavior, and for that I am sorry.

I suppose my next step should be to clean my room. I simply have too much crap. For one thing, my room is not layed out very well. Now that the weather will be improving, I won't need my heater on anymore and can finally move the bed back against the wall to give myself more central space. Besides, I swear that heater doesn't work anyway. I have it on for half an hour and it is hardly warm at all. It's probably broken. It used to work pretty well, as I recall...

The book is coming along. I'm still having fun with it, though I regret to say I've recently added some scenes that will greatly complicate the story line. They will either help or hinder its total production... Time will tell, I suppose.

For some reason I've been obsessed with having kids lately. I don't know what it is. Maybe the Spring. Maybe the fact that I hardly have any friends... I want a girl and boy, EmmyLou and Vincent. I would be adopting, of course. Or having someone else have the babies for me. Probably my sister... I'd probably want her to quit smoking, though, or at least cut way back. I dunno. I'm way too young to have kids right now. Gabe and I are poor, I'm still very much a student, and neither of us has even flown the nest ourselves, yet. Besides, Gabe doesn't want kids. I used to think, fuck having kids. You have to give up your entire social life. But I don't think that's necessarily true... First off, almost any parent will tell you it's more than worth it. Second, I know people who have really cool little kids they can take places with them who behave and everyone likes to have around. And my kids would be cool. EmmyLou would be my little rockabilly mama and Vincent would have a mohawk from the time his hair grew to more than an inch and a half in length. They'd be so cute, and since they'd be Gabe's and my kids, they'd be badasses too. Then... I got to thinking about Eric's parents and Jeff's parents... how hard it would be to have your child die... then I was reading a book about kidnappers/rapists and thought... it's so dangerous for children in the world. If I had a kid, I couldn't live with them dying before me. So I don't know... I guess we'll see what happens five to eight years down the road...

Tomorrow after work I have to buckle down and study for my test. I figure tomorrow I will study tests 1 & 2, then Wednesday evening I'll study the new material. As it turns out, though I have been freaking out about my Biology grade again this term, I only have to get a high "C" grade on the final to pass the entire class with a "C." Not bad, eh? For me, anyway.

I miss Gabe when he's not around. It seems weird... like he'll call and I'll talk to him and it's not a big deal, but when I'm not with him or talking to him, he seems like a weird dream. I can hear him talking, and everything I remember him saying makes me feel all happy because it's either really cute, funny, intelligent or bold. I feel good but he seems far away sometimes. I hope that's not a bad sign.

I think that's about all I have to say at the moment. I hope everyone has a good summer and does well on their finals if they're in school. If they're not... well fuck you, lucky sons of bitches! :)

<3 Bonzo

I'm starting to get tired of all this crap. There are a couple people I'm friends with who like me and who I also like, who are loyal and available to spend time with on a regular basis. The others just don't care about me and Gabe anymore. Gabe and I were talking about that tonight... we've been through so many friends in the last few years. It always ends in them suddenly not talking to us anymore because they're usually bandmates of Gabe's... well when he has medical problems or a job preventing him from coming to band practice, they start hating him like he's doing it on purpose. I'm sorry but that's not a very good friend in my oppinion. That's why I don't understand why people are in serious bands... it just ruins friendships.

Anyways I think Gabe and I both are getting tired of this shit... we want people in our lives who honestly care about us and accept us and want to spend time with us. We enjoy people who become like family. That's why I always liked the Steins so much. Steins and Moores were practically one in the same. Now things are different since Eric is gone... it's weird. Not only are we missing him, his loss caused the entire cult to separate. We almost never see Kelly anymore. She calls me at work once in a while to tell me some funny Family Guy line, and that's about it. Colin doesn't really care that much, or he'd call us.

My point is... like I've said before, my idea of a friendship isn't getting a lot out of a relationship... that's not what it's about to me. But I'm tired of Gabe getting used, and tired of being used myself. People certainly won't turn down rides to work at the crack of dawn... Gabe and I do things like this because we want to help, we want to spend that fifteen minutes in the morning with that person, even if it means getting up several hours earlier than we normally would. I can't count how many times we did that for Colin. Then suddenly he was pissed off at Gabe over nothing.

With Blaise, it's like you can't do anything to make him happy. He makes time for us, but it seems like someone's twisting his arm the whole time. Yet he seems attached to us... some of the time. Like he needs to be close to us, but he doesn't really want to be. I can't understand him, and it frustrates me that he keeps a barrier up now. He didn't use to. From the first time we started hanging out with him, we hit it off, I thought. Now it's like he's scared to get too close or something. But I'm probably way off my mark. I guess what I can't stand is having a friend who won't let us help them when they're down... who won't let us know what the problem is. Who wants things, but is unwilling to ever give anything in return. It's all very frustrating.

Basically I can only think of two people I don't have any problems with (other than Gabe and his brother) - Grant and Laura. And I'm such a dick, I don't even call Grant when I say I will. Usually I forget because I have so much schoolwork and tend to just rush out to Aloha when I don't have any homework to do because I don't like staying home alone all night. I dunno, I'm just bitching as always. Afraid to say anything on myspace because EVERYONE has myspace and only a few people have LJ. Anyways... that's all I had to say I guess. I just wish I had more friends I was close to. This is a rough time in our lives... some of us are moved out... those who are think they're really hot shit because they have their own apartments... the rest of us live at home, most likely because we have no money and/or are in school and, therefore, backed up with homework all the time. It's a stressful time for everyone... I kind of wish I could just fast forward a few years to after we've all graduated and see how things are different and hopefully better. Blah... I'm so tired. Goodnight.

mood: drained music: Misfits - Famous Monsters

Well, Spring Break is over. Back to school. I signed into my online classes after work today. I'm scared. Oh, and I found out I'll have to take most Wednesdays off from now on, too. Isn't that wonderful? How do they expect people to work with such a schedule? I'm lucky and made a deal with my boss so he won't fire me while I'm in school, but other people don't have such freedom. I guess I shouldn't whine. It's only for three months, and then I can PROBABLY go back to being full-time. Though I think I'd like to take Fridays off, just because. Well, just because he's already taken my desk, my benefits, my livelihood in that office. He isn't even "sure" he's going to let me go back to full-time or not when this is all over. That means he won't and he's just too CS to come out and say it because he knows I'll just slam a door in his face or yell at him. He was really late today and didn't call or anything, so nobody knew where he was. I'm only 50% ashamed to say I spent most of that time fantasizing that he had died in a terrible accident. Ain't I a beast?

So, anyway, I'm tired of being negative. From this moment on, I will begin to see life as a well of opportunity. I have to be happy because, really, there aren't very many things I consider a good excuse to get me down. I get down anyway, because I'm a wiener. But not anymore. Exceptions include: deaths of family members and friends, losing jobs, failing classes, being dumped, or magically going into debt. That's all, from now on.

I can do it! Although I should probably look into a way to make some extra money. Maybe I start an ebay-store? Haha... yeah right. I think I tried to sell a pair of shoes on ebay once. Nobody even bid on them. Whatever they were cool, they just didn't fit me and I had bought them anyway because that's the kind of person I used to be. Maybe I'll sell my entire Angel Sanctuary series for like $100. It cost me twice that to buy all of them, and I took excellent care of them. I will probably regret selling them, though... I'll find something else to sell, maybe on craigslist, which is free.

Dude... I kind of ran into a dead-end with my graphic novel today. Butthurt, majorly. It's losing its original flavor. This always happens, and that's another big cause to my constant abandonment of ideas and plots.

Oh yeah. I fell the other day. Not while rollerskating outside for the first time in ten years. Not while running. My shoelaces were tied. I was just walking at a regular pace out to my car to get my hat, and WHAM! It's almost like I fainted for a split second because I don't remember tripping (but there was my footprint in the flowerbed). I've never tripped there in my whole life and I've lived there my whole life. Plus I don't remember falling until I was already about to hit. It was like slow-motion at that point, and I just kind of thought to myself, "Well, you're falling. You're about to hit your knee. Why don't you put your hands out so you don't hurt something else?" So I did... and my knee is all banged up now. Looks cool.

My mom made me take her to the pharmacy today to get her pills. She bawled all the way there. Chronic pain is such a bitch. Then she bought me A&W for dinner. It was good. When we got home she told me why she's been cutting herself. She's not depressed anymore, evidently. She's just in that much pain and the cutting makes her feel like she's controlling her pain... I told her I used to do that too and I know all about it. She was surprised, I guess. So was my dad when I told him, except he started almost crying and thought it was all his fault and then went on and on about what a horrible parent he'd been. Whatever, dude. Kids are good at hiding stuff and, aside from letting me buy clothes other than the Target brand "Cherokee" or "BUM Equipment" there wasn't a whole hell of a lot he, or anyone else, could've done if I'd decided to knock myself off at that time.

So anyways, my dad's coming over because he left a book here. I'd better get off the stupid computer and do something besides dwell about the upcoming school term.

mood: determined

I am:

Nosey
Punchy
A shit-talker
Loud
Overbearing
Controlling
Insulting
Not funny to some people
A bully
A know-it-all
Opinionated
A Negative Nancy
Stubborn
A Debbie Downer


This week I will not:

Make physical contact with Blaise whatsoever.
Use my usual sarcasm with Blaise, and will be more tactful in my responses to his.
Keep my voice down (or off), and let other people do their share (or better) of the talking.
Keep my opinions to myself.

BeeLayzee (1:40:25 AM): i'm glad we had this talk bonny. i wouldnt have gone to sleep if you hadnt gotten back on

BeeLayzee (12:34:14 AM): eh, sometimes i get annoyed of you
BeeLayzee (12:34:34 AM): and we just dont really have much to talk about

I'm okay.

I feel better today. At work I felt like crap but while I was doing homework I started to improve... weird, huh?

Anyways I finished a week-long homework assigment in like 2 hours and turned it in... Then I took a bunch of pictures of all my "thrifted" stuff and posted it in the Thriftwhore group. Feels good to get some stuff done... I should clean the apartment so I can take more pictures and not be embarassed by the mess.

Haven't touched my painting in days. It sounds fun kinda but I'm scared to death that I'm going to mess something up when I paint the cat... But I've got to take that leap I guess.

One of the things I ordered online came today but I was too sick feeling and tired to go to the office and pick it up. I wonder if it's a present I ordered, or if it's my Richard Hell CD... I'm definitely going to check tomorrow. I need more wrapping paper, cause I'm almost out of my pretty Japanese fish paper... aww.

Dude I hate to sound like a whiner again but Blaise is still acting weird and it's getting kind of annoying. He never talks to us anymore or hangs out except with Gabe, and he ditches Gabe anytime Kelly or I are around. Mainly me, I think... He keeps dropping little hints here and there about my getting "butthurt" about something fuckin weeks ago. Get over it, jeez... His actions piss me off a bit. When Eric died (and I understand he was feeling very emotional and clingy) he told me and Kelly at separate times, "I'm gonna stay with you guys (me, gabe, kelly) forever." So what's all this avoiding shit about? Grrr... annoyed.

Anyways... my book is frustrating me some because I just can't make the details of the back story work. And without a back story, there can be no novel. Ayayay! I'll get it right eventually. Well it's midnight (almost) so I'm gonna go dry my hair and TRY to sleep or something...

My room is so damn messy. I have so much stuff, yet every time I think I'm going to go get rid of a bunch of it, I fill up one brown paper sack and can't bear to part with the rest. And usually the sack is just full of a couple clothing items that no longer fit or seem fashionable to me, a few books I shouldn't have picked up at garage sales, and shoes I bought at Goodwill knowing they were too small or big but couldn't resist. Sometimes I really feel like getting down and dirty with the clearing of shit but I usually just sort things on my bed, then never put them away. When bed time rolls around I just toss them all back onto the floor again. It's ridiculous. My room is bigger in this apartment than it was back home but I was more organized there for some reason.

Staying at the house on weekends makes me realize how at-home I feel there still. I have my old dreams back when I sleep there, and I feel somewhat content just lazing around the house (sometimes). I just kind of wish I could transfer this room (including my own personal bathroom) to the house because I like this room better than the one I had at the house. Oh well.

I wish I could stay home tomorrow... then I could stay up and clean my room right now while I feel like doing it. I could paint when I felt like taking a break. Then Gabe would show up around 2 or 3 and we could hang out until it was time to go to the concert. (Suicidal Tendencies - WOO HOO!) That would be nice. But, no, I have to go back to work tomorrow.

I'm trying not to miss any days because I want to take a vacation in early January or mid-December. Gabe and I want to drive up to Seattle for a few days and just hang out and relax... you know, the way a vacation is supposed to be! I haven't had a real vacation for a long time. Even when I go to the coast I don't feel very relaxed most of the time.

Argh this mess is really getting to me. So is having to keep my bed in the middle of the room, versus against the wall where I prefer it. It takes up an extra two feet that can't be used for anything. (I have one of those awful heaters that sets things on fire if they touch it too long.)

Maybe I'll feel like cleaning and mostly organizing a little bit tomorrow after work. I'm usually pretty energetic if Gabe is here, so we'll see. I just can't live in this mess any longer!

(8-20-07 Update: Of course Adam did reply on his fucking Sir Didymus account. What a fag... going on and on about how much I obviously miss him and he wish I'd just leave him be. Give me a fucking break... Of course I realize his goal is only to get a rise from me. If anything he WISHES I missed him... End update...)


Well a lot has happened since I last wrote. I have a problem with my liver now... but it's not from alcohol -- it's from carbohydrates. How embarassing. Oh well I just have to eat less carbs. That's hard for me because I don't like most foods that don't have a lot of carbs. Oh well I don't wanna think about it cause it seems I could die from this problem eventually. It's fucking depressing.

So Paige left Gabe a comment on myspace the other day saying "Your girlfriend looks like Roseanne." I fucking hate that bitch man. I blocked her and Adam after leaving the latter a message asking him to keep his firecrotch bitch in check if he can. Ugh I hate to say this but I kinda wish they'd both die in a car wreck or something. I just hope they don't reproduce... Gabe might be upset with me for saying something to Adam but I don't care. I promised not to say anything to Paige, and I've kept up the bargain. Now neither of them can go to my page, so hopefully I'll never hear another word out of them. Of course Adam is the kinda guy who might have another secret profile and he'll probably write me back on there, once again telling me that I'm just jealous of Paige and angry at myself that I didn't leave Gabe for him when I had the chance. That is, after he poured his fucking heart out to me telling me he "fell for me twice. Once at such-and-such concert, and once... tonight. Right now." Fucking fag. I don't know how I can make this any clearer. I only dated that fucker because I was desperate to be with SOMEONE. I would've dated a deaf, dumb, blind quadrapalegic at that stage in my life. How could I possibly like someone whose biggest interests are: Dragonlance, Magic cards, and being a compulsive liar? Please. Oh well he'll just keep on thinking he's right about me, that I wish more than anything in the world I could have him back. He's cocky for an ugly bastard.

Okay enough time wasted on those assholes. Moving on.

Friday night we pulled an all-nighter. Eric and Kasey were just fooling around on the couch all fucking night and then they got all weird and turned off the music and Kasey was being a bitch as usual. It's already begun - me or them. I knew it. They were going to go to the movie with us tonight. But guess what! Kasey decided last minute they should go to a DIFFERENT THEATER. No phone call, they wanted to be alone I'm assuming. Who the fuck does she think she is? If this gets much worse I'm going to have a talk with that dumbass. I can't believe I ever liked her at all. I can't believe Gabe and I are the ones responsible for hooking them up. Grr I hate myself.

This entry is useless, sorry. I'm going to bed and I bet I won't be able to sleep.

(on the upscale, I bought soccer socks today and they're way cute. I just need some black tyedye so I can dye the Adidas logo off cause it looks kinda retarded. I'm not really anti-label, I just think it's stupid looking when the brand name is the main image on the article. Anyways, that's what I did and what I'm going to do.

Here are some projects I would like to start/complete this year:

1. Bottlecap door curtain... saw it in a decorating book. It's awesome. I need bottle caps!

2. Lamb hat. I haven't even taken the fabric out of the bag... it's been at least six months since I bought it.

3. "Bless Our BROKEN Home" needlepoint. I saw it on an old movie. It's rad.

4. Get the kiln hooked up so I can actually fire my ceramics. I want my elephant platter and gnome saucer!

5. Finish painting the damn sparrow on my wall. It has no butt. :(

6. I want to learn how to knit! Especially clothes because I saw this cute shirt but I don't want to pay $66 for a damn shirt... So I shall make myself one.


That is all for now. It helps to have goals.

I am kind of PO'd because I wanted to take pictures of all my thrift store/garage sale treasures, but my camera picked that particular day to be a bitch and I used three pairs of batteries in about two minutes' time. That makes me a sad panda.

Well I'd better get back to work (haha). OH YEAH! One more thing. I am down one size in jeans. Happy days!

location: Work mood: bored music: Nekromantix

Well... I'm sort of trying to quit smoking. Gabe hasn't smoked in two days, and neither has Kasey. But I have. Only about 5 or 6 smokes a day, though. That's a hell of a lot better than my usual pack+ a day regimen. So I guess I'm not too awful disappointed in myself. Right now I'm fresh out of smokes, though, so I don't have a choice unless I want to bug my hot-out-of-surgery mother for a couple. I'm going to hold out as long as I'm able though.

So, today I had to get up at 5:30am and go with Mom to the hospital. She had a helix in her foot (sort of like a bunyan) and got that taken care of. The surgery itself only took about half an hour, but somehow we had to be there from 6:30-11am. It was kind of lame, but oh well. So when I got home I helped her get situated, then took a long nap in the sunshine. It felt good... then she hollared at me and I had to wake up and walk her to the bathroom and fill her icecuff full of more ice. Oy vey. But she's in terrible pain, so I'm going to just be patient.

Aside from being summoned every half hour or so, I'm unable to leave the apartment for more than a short amount of time like, say, to go to the store. My dad said he'd come stay over and spell me tomorrow evening and Sunday, so hopefully I'll be going out to Aloha. I need to take that awful movie back anyway. I guess Pan's Labyrinth wasn't AWFUL, but I think the fantasy and the war didn't flow very well together. Maybe I'm just dumb.

Maybe tomorrow I'll finish cleaning my room and will be able to stand getting rid of some things. I have way too much stuff. I'd really like to have my damn bookshelves here at the apartment. Maybe I'll ask my dad to bring it over tomorrow... No that's probably a bad idea. Besides, he went ahead and loaded the shelves up with fucking movies and god knows what...

Ummm there is a really creepy oozing sound outside my window right now. Man... if goo starts flowing through that screen, I'm going to be really pissed... There, it stopped.

Anyways... I need to go to the damn laundromat. We also need some fucking furniture. A coffee table, some end tables. I'd like a chair or small loveseat or something, too. A chaise would be the shit, but those are hard to find. Or if you can find them, they're ugly and totally expensive. I want to go to the damn Salvation Army... Maybe I'll do that at some point.

location: Das Apartment mood: tired music: Van Halen

So... I bought a kiln. $100 on craigslist. Rad. Laura Stucki is going to help me learn how to use it, because I haven't a clue.

I need a book to read, something to inspire my writing again. I'm considering re-reading the Homecoming series again. Orson Scott Card was pretty rad in the first two. Didn't really care for the third book... some of it was great, other parts were stupid. Elemak's vengefulness was overdone in my opinion. Also I had a crush on Nafai, and that book made me not like him as much. I always get crushes on book, videogame and movie characters.

Anyway I should be taking a shower but I'm tired of taking a shower every night. I don't like being all alone not being able to hear what's going on around me. Makes me uneasy... Don't ask me what that's about.

The new cat is kind of weird, but she's alright. I miss Loki, though. Carmella scratches shit sometimes and she's kind of skittish. Oh well, she'll get over it I'm sure. Well...

Writing is getting sort of boring, but I just need to do it. I haven't had any new incredible ideas for about a week, and I feel like someone is forcing me to quit smoking or something... speaking of that, I'm thinking about quitting. I would like to just cut back, but as long as I have cigarettes, I'll smoke them. I dunno... I have a somewhat weak respiratory system, and smoking makes it bad. If someone took a look at me, they'd assume I'd been smoking my entire life when, in fact, I've only smoked for about four and a half years.

I always think of the future and assume I'll have quit, but I have to admit, it's getting difficult to stay away from the smokes now. I wish it wasn't so bad for you, because I enjoy smoking a lot. People who don't smoke can't understand, but it's relaxing.

Work sucks. I'm so fucking sick and tired of Sarah. Seriously, this is her position. She is a substitute teacher, but on any days she doesn't have a job she comes into the office. She can come in at seven, eight, or nine o'clock, whatever she decides. She only works about a total of four out of the eight hours she's there, she leaves for lunch EVERY DAY and never writes it on her timesheet. She spends hours on the internet when she thinks nobody's looking (did I mention I'm an excellent spy?), and has several regular family members who call her at least every hour, including her fiance/nephew in law. She goes out in the hall on her cell about four times a day, each time for about fifteen minutes. And when she actually IS working, she's doing my work, so I'll come in and have nothing to do. Of course she races through everything and doesn't bother doing a good job, and I am the one who ends up with the mail returns as a result. And if by some miracle I manage to have work, I take all of it out of the basket so she can't have anymore of it. Then what do you think she does? She does stupid worthless shit like labeling folders, transfering old records into boxes and labeling them, and, yes you guessed it, screws off even more than usual. The reason she hasn't been told to fuck off is that she is Rhonda's daughter. Rhonda has been working there for at least fifteen years, probably closer to twenty. She's a very close friend of Clayton and Doris' and is a very hard worker. Nobody dares say much about Sarah, because they don't want to piss her off. On top of all this, she's rude to me. I try so hard to convince myself I'm being paranoid and then try to be nice to her, but she's a bitch. If nobody's looking, she'll do things like intentionally stand in my way, as if she's guarding her territory. She seems to think I'm stealing her job, and in fact I was hired to REPLACE her. Yet she remains, and she comes in more than just "occasionally." Grrr... It's so fucked up. Any other business in the world would have told her to fuck off if she had asked for such a luxory as being able to come work any old time she feels like it. Rhonda writes on the board when Sarah isn't coming in, as if it's unusual that she isn't showing up that day for this job. Her presence there is one of the factors preventing me from becoming a "full time" employee. I work the same 40 hours a week as everyone else, every week. Yet Bill says he can't afford to pay for my insurance and vacation time. So... in other words, I can't take vacations. The reason full time employees get paid vacation is because they don't have time to take them on their days off. Today Sarah seemed to spent 90% of the day online reading about that Virginia Tech shooting incident. Apparently she thinks keeping up to date with current events is a great use of her time at work, worth being paid for in fact. I want to slap her so bad. Only everyone else just loves her to death, except maybe Crystal and Amber and, of course, my mom. She just makes me so fucking mad, I want to hit her with my car.

Sorry... I just get so mad when I check in all these accounts to ensure I'll have plenty of work to do the next day, only to come in and find she's taken all my registration, wizzed through it without checking for mistakes, and is going to spend the rest of her day screwing off. It is my oppinion that Sarah should have to call before she comes in, and see if there's really enough work for her to do when she comes in. She should only be able to come in once a week, if at all, unless things are really backed up.

I hate Everybody Loves Raymond but since there was nothing else on and I had nothing else to do, I half-watched it tonight. The second episode was the usual, Ray's on-going quest for sex...boring & cliche... But the first one was the first I've seen of his parents' living room. I'm in love with it... OMG other than the fact that everything is covered in plastic, it's great. Anyways... if anyone has a picture, please send me... Okay good bye.